2 ER Visits and Possible Miscarriage

We've been impatient. It's getting to be that time that we should do our first ultrasound, but we're on our 3 week road trip and our new Las Vegas doctor can't see us for another 3 weeks. So we used the excuse of our mild spotting and cramping to stop in at an ER this morning. We all knew it was a possible miscarriage sign and they told me they would do some looking and either find a healthy heart beat, or an open cervix which would mean to expect a miscarriage if that's the case. 

Then we got our very first ultrasound ever. In the past we miscarried before our first ultrasound, so this was exciting! She found you and we got to see you, then sit there and listen to your heart beat. It was the most joy either of us had ever felt. The smile on Ben's face was my second place. He was so happy and proud. 

We went back to our Denver hotel with a disc in hand of the ultrasound, and tried viewing it right away again, but it didn't work in my MacBook. We need to use a windows computer. 

We had stopped by Ready Fit Go Healthy and picked up some super healthy, dairy free meals to take back to our hotel for today and breakfast tomorrow. Lunch was so delicious, but still we decided to eat at the hotel bar for dinner because there was shrimp scampi for ben and soup for me tonight on the menu. Ben loved his scampi and I was about halfway through my tomato bisque when I asked ben to eat all the cream on top so I didn't have to. The chef then heard me tell the waitress "oh no it's okay. I'll just make him eat the cream part. I'm lactose intolerant." The chef stopped me and said it's a bisque and it's made with heavy cream. 

Oops. I knew what it a bisque was. How did this pass by me and my chef husband. This new high intensity lactose intolerance was new with the pregnancy and was taking some getting used to. 

Oh well. I ate less than half of my little bowl. It shouldn't be too bad. The chef then went back and made me a bowl of noodle soup from scratch! That made my day!!!

We returned to our room right away so I could

Continue to get work done, but that was short lived since the lactose DID affect me...

We decided we needed to stay active, so we headed to the pool and did some laps. Back in our room we watched some Netflix on Ben's laptop. I got up to pee, again. 

That's when I found it. It had been about half an hour since I last peed, and in that time, my pad collected a large amount of blood. I knew what this was. Even though we had just seen you hours earlier, your heart was no longer beating and you would be coming out soon. 

I couldn't believe this was happening. Again. 

Well, except, I did. 

Consciously I made the decision to be happy and celebrate because the pain of a miscarriage wouldn't be any soften from worrying, but subconsciously I expected this to happen and I did worry. 

Consciously my nausea made me happy and meant baby was there and growing. Subconsciously I resented being sick because being so likely to have a miscarriage meant going through all the pain and discomfort was for nothing. 

But this time was different. I told myself and even others, this time, it will hurt more if I miscarry. 

And that was even before the ultrasound. I saw you baby, just hours earlier, why is this happening now? Why so soon? What changed? The doctors are so good at telling me that I am not causing the miscarriage but rather it just means it wasn't a viable pregnancy and it's good that the pregnancy ends now, but you were there and now you're gone and I can't help think it has to do with something I did. 

Could it have been the cream in the soup? Could it have been the swimming? 

I was right, this time is the hardest. I'm not positive I can really handle this. 

Then I started marking a list of all the people I would need to tell...

Ben came to check on me after I had been gone for a while and I showed him the horrifying truth. I never looked at his face. That would be too hard to handle. We cried together. We cried separately. Ben prayed hard between crying fits. Knowing he was affected by this made it harder for me and made me cry more. 

We went back and forth on what to do. In the past I had just stayed home and waited for the miscarriage to happen then followed up with my doctor. But I was convinced the next time I miscarried, I would go to the hospital. I wanted to be able to answer the many miscarriage questions I'm often asked afterwards. So we decided to go back to the same emergency room we went to that morning. 

Surprisingly, the same doctor we saw that morning was there to see us again, more than 12 hours later. Did he live there? I was grateful for the familiar face. This also meant I had to do less talking which was hard for me at the moment. 

He asked why we came back and I explained the blood. 

"But you had blood this morning and we saw a perfectly healthy baby. There can be more bleeding."

I didn't admit that our earlier visit was to get our ultrasound. But I did remind him that my spotting earlier was minor and this was heavy bleeding. 

He took a look, still unconvinced I should be there. He said he could see a closed cervix and minimal bleeding. 

I've been down this road many times before. I know what the early process of a miscarriage looks like. But he told us to have faith and stop stressing and gave us some scriptures to read to alleviate my stress and sent us on our way. 

I'm very grateful to this doctor. He did everything right and couldn't have said anything better in this situation. But I couldn't stop thinking "stop giving me false hope. I know what's going on with my body." I decided to stop stressing as much as I can though. If there is any chance at saving this pregnancy, I will do anything I possibly can. 

So we're back at the hotel. Ben is so happy and continues to tell me in an excited voice "we're still pregnant!"

But I need a couple more days to be convinced.