14 Weeks + 2 Days

Hi baby. 

I'm having a rough time. A kind sister from church told me that I might be reminding you of that when you're not being very respectful in the future. 

I'm dizzy and faint all the time and it's only getting worse and we haven't found a way to stop it. I'm currently on bedrest, but at this point that's inevitable. I can pass out just from sitting up too long or even while laying down. The amount of time I can stand or walk has gone way down and I often can't make it to the bathroom on my own. 

I've had to cancel a lot which has taken a really high toll and me and my clients. I had to cancel all of my in person classes and CSN and have yet to find a way to finish my online classes with WGU since I can't read very long or sit long enough to take an assessment. I can only sit up for about 20 minutes before I need to lay down again or I'll pass out. 

I've also had to rely on my hired backup to take over for 7 weddings now. I can hear the stress and fear in my bride's voices when I tell them I won't be traveling to Florida or shooting their wedding. I wish I could instantly make them aware of how much they'll love Casie, but that kind of trust doesn't come like that. It was especially hard to tell my bride who's wedding was this past Saturday, the weekend hurricane Irma directly hit central Florida, that among all the cancellations from the storm she was having, that I also was cancelling and a photographer she never met would be there instead. 

I can no longer walk the dogs or run errands, even if I'm with someone else. I'm not sure why the doctor got me a handicap parking pass, I won't have any reason to use it. 

I did try going to church yesterday for all three hours. I was determined to make it and not make Ben or my mom leave church early to take me home. I brought tons of resources to help. I put my feet up, drank water continuously, and snacked on saltines and Cheerios. I wasn't fully there, I couldn't answer during class when called on (that was a tad embarrassing) but I somehow survived (kind of) to third hour: relief society.

I made it maybe 15 minutes in and I felt it coming sitting in my chair. I was going to pass out. With a bit of panic, I told my mom. She offered to take me home right then but I knew I couldn't stand up or I would go right out. She offered to help me down to the ground but I instead opted to slouch into my seat and put my feet up, in a way someone trying to nap in the chair might do. The next few minutes was a bit fuzzy and confusing. I eventually had a cold rag on my neck and someone near me asking me if she should get a doctor. I could tell she had asked me a couple times before I finally heard it and started coming to. 

Thankfully I came back enough I was able to insist I go out to the hallway and I sat down on the ground. I started fading out again, but I'm pretty sure brother Gardner came to help and got down on the ground with me to take my pulse. It was so nice of these sweet ladies and brother Gardner to help, but I was ready to just go home, so as soon as I could walk, I got help out to the car and spent the rest of the time laying down at home. My body was absolutely spent! 

In no way have any of these symptoms made me feel as though the pregnancy is not worth it. We've tried for years and gone through many miscarriages, we are ready to go through just about anything. I always knew that pregnancy could mean pausing my normal life activities. I knew bedrest could alway be an option. That doesn't mean it hasn't been hard to go through and put others through.

I just hope I don't become "the girl who passed out at church." What a great way to make an introduction in my new area.

A perk of bedrest, better parking.