18 Weeks - My Attempt at the Smith Center

Last Saturday, my brother Steven and my brother Tanner and his fiancé Caroline and I went to see the little mermaid at the Smith Center. I was so excited for an actual outing away from the house! I upgraded our seats so that I could get a wheelchair seat and bring my wheelchair. I knew that the speakers might bug me and that sitting for long doesn’t work out for me, but my wheelchair has elevated foot rests and lets me slouch down into it, so I thought it might work out! Plus the Smith Center has a lobby/lounge area on the second floor with couches I could always go lay down on if I wasn’t feeling well. 

When we got to the Smith Center, I was doing pretty well! I even opted to push my wheelchair instead of ride in it for the short distance from our handicap parking spot to our seats. There was a chair in my wheelchair seat and the usher asked me to fold up my wheelchair and put it in the back and sit in the chair. I explained why I wanted my wheelchair, but she told me it was a tripping hazard, so I handed it off to her and took my seat. I knew that meant I would end up on the lobby couches at some point, but at least I was out of the house and had somewhere to rest! It was fine. 

I got a little dizzy near the end of the first half and opted to go lay down before intermission arrived and it would be chaotic. The super kind usher told me I could lay down on the bench in the hallway of our level, but I didn’t want patrons who were walking by to see my laying there and the lobby was out of the view of patrons, so I went to the lobby, found a couch, and laid down for the 10 minutes left before intermission. An usher did check on me out there and I told him that I was pregnant and dizzy and just needed to lay down to prevent any kind of neurological attack. He asked if I needed him to get anybody for me and I said “No, I’m here with my brother who knows where I am and will be out to meet me at intermission.” He seemed okay with that and left. 

At intermission I sat up (I REALLY hate extra attention with this stuff) and soon my siblings joined me on the couches. I was able to go back into he theatre with them, but only for a short while. Then I felt a aura coming on. These are the symptoms that come before I loose consciousness or awareness and I knew I needed to lay down right away! I took my wheelchair with me both for stability and because I knew this attack was going to be bad enough that I would not be able to return to my seat before it was over. I told my brother where I would be and left. 

As I was leaving, the usher asked if I was leaving and I told her that I was just heading back out to the couches. She then told me that her boss said that I can not lay down. I knew I had to get to a couch or bench soon so I just said “ok” and tried to pass. She stopped me though, needing me to verbally tell her my plans to sit and not lay down on the couches. She was super apologetic and I could tell that she was just the messenger trying to not get into trouble or lose her job. 

I got into the elevator with my wheelchair, and stayed silent as I waited for the doors to shut and heard my usher apologize and again and again. I could feel myself getting emotional and I just wanted to find a private area. The doors opened to the second floor and I went straight to the nearest bench, sat down, buried my face into my moms sweater that I brought with me, and cried. 

I don’t cry often or easily, but I was so overwhelmed. I couldn’t believe I was such a nuisance to the strangers at the smith center that they sent out a communication to the ushers saying that I can’t lay down. And now I was about to go through an attack and I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to lay down, close my eyes, and rest before anything happened, but I couldn’t. Ushers came to check on me but I was far enough into my aura that knew I couldn’t communicate well and just shook or nodded my head at their questions to get them to leave. 

Then security came. I knew I was being an even bigger nuisance now. I knew they needed me to stop crying. I tried to stop so hard, which made it worse, and I started hyperventilating. I think I lost some awareness but I don’t know for how long. It stopped my hyperventilating though and calmed my crying down. But then I heard them nearby talking about me, their problem, and it got my emotions soaring again. The confusion of a post attack doesn’t help. I immediately pulled out my phone and called my Mom. It took some time to talk through what was happening but it calmed me down and helped me get coherent again. She offered to talk to them for me but they weren’t around anymore. 

I could hear the show coming to an end and I made my way towards the front doors before the crowds started appearing. I texted my siblings where I would meet them, and my mom also texted them telling them in hopes of them finding me sooner. 

Even though my siblings all got to see the whole show, I still had feelings of being nuisance to not only the Smith Center, but to them too. All my loved ones really. It’s the first time I’ve ever struggled with the feelings of being a burden to others and having nothing to offer to society besides being a human incubator. I have some new battles to battle now, but dang this baby still makes me so happy! Just the thought of baby! The little kicks I got the next day sure helped too! 

Probably no more shows at the Smith Center while I’m pregnant. But it’s worth the wait. Plus Hamilton isn’t until June anyways, so I’ll just have to wait until then. All these cancelled trips and plans aren’t nearly as hard to deal with when I realize I can re-book those plans with baby here next year! I can’t wait!!!!!